When you get a cancer diagnosis, or I am guessing any life changing diagnosis or news, it starts you on a roller coaster that you didn't buy a ticket for. And this roller coaster ride can go for a really long time.
I have accepted that I am dealing with cancer again, I can't change it, I have to accept it. But the roller coaster ride is a variety.
The physical effects of this disease and the effects of the chemotherapy are ugly. I have not been sleeping very well, even with prescription sleep aids. I am tired. But I can't sleep. I try to nap but sleep eludes me. I am hoping at some point to really sleep or lay down for a nap and wake up 3 hours later. And the fatigue, it's not being sleepy, it's having no energy or feeling really good in the morning and BOOM, at noon I am whipped. It comes and goes...up and down, like the roller coaster. The muscle and joint pain comes and goes too. It is worse about 3 days after chemo treatment. Movement is painful. I am glad it is not constant, at least it isn't yet.
The emotional roller coaster is another thing. For the most part I am good. I have my bad moments, but they are just moments. I do give in to them once and a while and cry, but I don't let them last long. Lately it hurts when I look in the mirror and see no hair, I see my eyelashes thinning. That makes me sad. I know it will come back, but it is hard to feel feminine or attractive at times.
Another part of the emotions is anger. Mad that I have to go through this again, yes. But more so I get mad at people. Especially now with the coronavirus. People are grumbling at having to wear masks. Grumbling because of things like concerts and events that are cancelled. Grumbling because the virus wrecked their social life. I have been social distancing since my first diagnosis in April of 2018. My immune system was wrecked. I avoided crowds. I kept myself away from family at times, because I can't risk catching a virus. I have gone to the movie theater twice in 3 years, in the afternoon when hardly anyone was there. Just when I started feeling good, wanting to do more things...coronavirus hits. So, ok, I stay home. And now, I am battling cancer again and my immune system is wrecked again. But as much as people can frustrate me at times. I don't dwell on it. I have much bigger things to worry about.
However, the one thing that is not a roller coaster is my faith in God. I know I will get through this because God never gives us more than we can handle. Although I think God realizes I am badass, since I am going through this again. God has given me a great medical team. He gave me a wonderful family, great friends and wonderful co-workers. God blesses me each and every day.
I may be riding this roller coaster of cancer again, but God is riding with me.
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