It is a hard feeling to explain, the feeling of Survivor's Guilt. It is a mixture of sadness, anger, anxiety and melancholy. Many people in my cancer groups have written articles about it, but it doesn't make it any easier.
A friend, who fought bravely, is gone. We visited in the waiting room of oncology in January. We were comparing side effects and treatments. We laughed about being human pin cushions for all the blood tests we have on a regular basis. We were messaging each other in April, she was on the 7th floor and I was on the 4th floor of the "Sanford Hilton". She is no longer suffering, she is restored as she is now in heaven.
Family and friends reach out to me, asking what they can do, to help me thru this. Really there is nothing, it is just something that only time will help. A few years ago, during one of my appointments with Dr Bell, I was crying and yelling...an uncle had passed away from his battle and I was mad. I was yelling that it wasn't fair that he was gone, he was such a happy, upbeat guy and yet some of the really, crabby people who were dealing with cancer were still here. I also questioned why I was still here.
I know why I am still here, at least I think I do. I am here because my job is not done yet. God has work for me to do yet, I believe it is my job to help others who get the ugly diagnosis, to help them deal with it. Our medical teams are wonderful, but they are not living with cancer. There are some things that only another person going thru cancer can understand or relate to.
I can no longer count on 2 hands the number of friends or family I have lost to cancer. In a little over 5 years I have seen too many fight and lose. I know I will probably see more before it is my turn.
So for now, I will give in to the sadness. I am eating chocolate chip cookies, more than I should, but I don't care. I ask God to bring comfort to my friend's family. I thank God for all the blessings and lessons in my life and for loving me in spite of my screw ups. I will watch some stupid reality tv and eat more cookies. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will put the sadness away.
Tomorrow. I get a tomorrow.
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